We Steal From Old People: Achievements

Sources reviewed: 2026-11-12

Thirty-two achievements. Twenty-one are marked rare on Steam. Two are hidden on the public page, and their names are still in the achievement list.

The count is 8 opening feats, 10 goon rows, 2 map unlocks, 4 recipe tiers, 3 death tiers, 4 beat-count tiers, and 1 full safe. That is 32. I grouped them in that order in the table. Rates come from Steam’s public global statistics on 12 Nov 2026. A printed 0.0% is Steam’s rounded display, not an estimate or proof that nobody has unlocked it.

The two hidden rows

Steam hides “Die 1,000 times” and “Beat 100,000 old people” on the public achievement page. The list behind that page still prints both names and both descriptions. I am not calling them missable. Nothing in the notes says a run can lock you out. Hidden only means the store page blanks the spoiler until you unlock it.

What the rates are good for

The common rows are the cane, the first brick, the first build, and the first safe store, all above 90%. Selling a build is 80.6%. Discovering every recipe is 0.1%; dying 100 times and beating 10,000 old people display 0.0%. Map 3 is 1.1%. Two days after launch, that is a progress picture, not a difficulty grade I measured myself.